By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect
by ciaddict
Summary: An alternate LOCI universe where we find Bobby married, with children in season one.
1. Chapter 1

By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect

_Author's note: I do not own any Law and Order Criminal Intent characters, nor do I own any characters from Law and Order who might show up. Dick Wolf, of course, owns them and has done quite well by them._

_I do own the other characters in this story: Annie, the children, Grandpa, and various other people (named and unnamed). They inhabit my imagination where they live out their lives trying to fit into the LOCI universe. This story goes back into the past and plays the "what if" game. What if Bobby was married and had a family? So here is a warning: There will be some necessary changes to canon in order to fit Annie and the kids into Bobby's life, creating a parallel LOCI universe. If you are not OK with that, you won't like this story (or any future installments) and I completely understand if you pass._

_One more thing. While there is a crime in this story, it is not a "who dunnit". I'm not clever enough to figure out most "who dunnits", much less write one. I'm into writing about relationships. Again, I understand if you are looking for a good crime story and want to pass on this one._

_So, here we go. I am brand new at this and will appreciate any and all comments, corrections, and suggestions. This story takes place during Season 1, shortly after the events of The Third Horseman._

Chapter 1

_Tuesday June 26, 2001_

Annie Paine opened her eyes and stretched out in the bed. It was the last week of June and the early morning sun was streaming across the foot of the bed. She could smell the aroma of breakfast drifting up the stairs from the kitchen. Her right hand reached out to Bobby's side of the bed. It was empty, of course. No surprise there, as he often stayed up long after she went to bed at night and was up before she awoke. Usually he would go to bed when she did, but after she drifted off to sleep Bobby would get up and go down to his office in the basement. While Annie and the children slept, he would spend hours reading or researching case studies for his job as a detective with the Major Case Squad of the NYPD. Detective Robert O. Goren. As always, even the thought of his name made her smile.

Annie did not understand how he could function on so little sleep, and often told him that it was unhealthy. But he insisted he was fine. He said, "My brain just won't shut off. There's so much to do." It was a conversation that they seemed to have out of habit now, rather than any conviction on Annie's part that she might actually change her husband. Not that she wanted to change him. She loved his every quirk. It was just hard for her to understand this particular one, because Annie loved to sleep. If she got less than eight hours of sleep, she was out of sorts all the next day. On her days off she routinely took a 2 or 3 hour nap, if the children cooperated that is. As much as she did not understand Bobby's sleeplessness, he did not understand her craving for so much sleep. It was one of the things that caused them to look at each other with amusement and wonder.

Along with the smells of eggs, turkey bacon, and toast cooking came the sounds of her children talking and laughing and the clink of dishes being set on the table. She heard Bobby's low voice and then peals of laughter from the children. He loved making them laugh, and he was very good at it. They thought their father was not only the smartest man in the whole world, but the funniest as well. Annie was inclined to agree with them. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the smells and sounds of her family at breakfast.

She was grateful that she could enjoy it. A month ago, the smells would have sent her rushing to the bathroom to throw up. She was in her fifth month of pregnancy and it was her favorite month of the entire nine months. The morning sickness had passed and the indigestion of late pregnancy would not begin for some time, the baby was no longer pressing on her bladder and would not do so again for about another 3 months, she enjoyed the feel the baby moving around but would not experience the sharp jabs until the baby was much bigger, her stomach was growing and round but she would not become uncomfortably big and clumsy until well into her eighth month. The discomforts of the first trimester were just a memory and the discomforts of the third trimester seemed a long way off.

As Annie lay there with her eyes closed, her mind drifted back over the last few months. She was less than happy when she discovered she was pregnant again. She hadn't had her first child until she was thirty-one. Annie was thirty-nine and would turn forty soon after this one was due. They had three children and did not plan on another one. Their daughter was eight and the twins were almost five. She was looking forward to the boys starting school in the fall almost as much as they were. She had thoroughly loved all three of her children as babies: the smell of them after a bath, nursing them, the 2 AM feedings. But now she was done with all that and the realization that she was pregnant again had left her reeling.

She remembered how angry she had been at Bobby and how she had railed at him that this was all his fault. She knew it wasn't true, but couldn't help blaming him anyway. Everything about this pregnancy was more difficult than her first two. The morning sickness was much more severe (to the point that her doctor almost hospitalized her), and lasted longer. Her mood swings left her crying one minute and yelling angry recriminations at Bobby the next.

Through it all, Bobby was so sweet that she couldn't think of those months without feeling guilt for what she had put him through. He calmly let her rage about his failure to get a vasectomy and prevent this from happening to her. He never once reminded her that it was something the two of them had discussed several times since the twins' birth, but had not come to a decision as to whether they wanted another child. When her mood went from anger to extreme self-pity and she would curl up on the bed sobbing, Bobby gently took her in his arms and rocked her until she fell asleep. He had gone to the doctor and scheduled a vasectomy, which was done nearly eight weeks ago. Meanwhile he also shouldered the majority of the childcare; getting Ally ready for school and the twins ready for preschool every morning and dropping them off, picking them up from the babysitter in the evening, preparing dinner, getting them ready for bed, reading to them, explaining that Mommy didn't feel good and that's why she spent so much time sleeping. All of which made Annie feel even more guilty.

She continued working as an Emergency Room nurse throughout all of this, taking only a few days off when the morning sickness was at its worst. But she stopped most of her church activities. When she wasn't working or spending time with the kids, she was sleeping. Often she wished she could just sleep through the entire first four months.

Once she moved into her second trimester, the morning sickness eased and then stopped, the mood swings evened out, and "sanity" returned. They would be married ten years in November, and in that time they had rarely argued. They certainly never had yelling matches or said unkind things to one another. Annie's face burned with shame whenever she remembered the cruel, ugly things she said to her husband. She had apologized many times. But Bobby always stopped her and told her she had nothing to apologize for. Life returned to something resembling normal.

The children were quieter now, probably busy eating. Annie heard Bobby's footsteps coming up the stairs. He opened the door and came in carrying a tray with Annie's breakfast. Breakfast in bed, and on a weekday—what a luxury!

"Good morning, Sleepyhead. Are you planning on spending your entire day off in bed?"

Annie giggled and said, "I had considered it. Especially since my _very_ considerate husband went to the trouble of getting the kids dressed, feeding them breakfast, and…..umm…..taking them to the babysitter?" She finished with a question. Bobby laughed and set the tray on the table next to Annie's side of the bed.

He said, "Would this be the same considerate husband who takes the kids to the babysitter every day that you work? Because it seems a little unfair that he should have to take them on a day when you are just lying around doing nothing."

"Well, that's true. But that's what makes it so considerate, don't you think?"

Annie smiled up at him, seductively, she hoped. He chuckled and stretched out on the bed next to her. He pulled the covers down, put his face close to her belly, and said, "Good morning, Jezebel." Now it was Annie's turn to laugh. "I keep telling you that her name is _Ruth_."

This had been an ongoing joke since the ultrasound had shown they were having another girl. Their daughter's name was Ally, short for Alexandra--named for Annie's mother. Annie found it amusing when, a little over a year ago, Bobby introduced her to his new partner—_Alexandra _Eames. By the time she became pregnant with the twins, Annie had become very involved with her church and with studying the Bible. She wanted Biblical names for the twins and settled on Phillip and Andrew—two disciples of Christ. She explained that whenever Andrew appeared in the Gospels, he was bringing someone to Jesus, and Phillip was a great evangelist. Bobby was amused at her reasoning and agreed to the names.

He didn't really understand her faith, and considered himself an agnostic. Annie suspected he really did believe in God, but it was difficult for him reconcile this God of love that Annie talked about with the brutality and cruelty that he encountered in his job. Annie saw much of the same brutality and cruelty in the emergency room, but her faith never wavered; rather, it deepened with time. Bobby accepted her faith and often they engaged in theological debates since he was raised in the Catholic Church (he called himself a "lapsed altar boy") and knew the Bible quite well. On the rare occasions that he accompanied her to church, he was friendly to the other members. He seemed to almost envy people of faith.

Once her first trimester passed and Annie began to first accept, and then actually look forward to, another baby, she and Bobby began talking about names. Annie wanted another name from the Bible and was lobbying for Ruth. It was her favorite book and story of the Bible. Bobby, however, was less than thrilled with the name, and told her that if they were going to name this baby after someone in the Bible, he wanted Jezebel or Delilah. He actually had some serious choices for names, such as Theresa and Michelle. But he began teasing Annie by calling the baby Jezebel at every opportunity. Ally and the twins picked up on the game and also talked about their baby sister, Jezebel. Annie told Bobby that if he didn't stop, he would traumatize the baby and she would never adjust to whatever name they actually agreed on. She tried to keep a straight face and sound stern when she said this, but Bobby's laughter had always been contagious and she would invariably begin laughing with him.

Annie sat up in the bed and Bobby set the tray on her lap. He had brought her scrambled eggs, soy bacon, toast, and watermelon. She smiled when she saw the watermelon. It was the first craving she'd had, once she could actually keep food down, and Bobby made sure that it was always in the house. He sat with her for a few minutes before going back down to the kitchen to eat his breakfast. Leaving the twins alone with food always ran the risk of coming back to find them in the middle of a full-scale food fight. When she finished eating, she took the tray downstairs. The kids were clearing the table and Bobby was putting dishes in the dishwasher. Annie helped him finish cleaning up while Ally turned "Sesame Street" on for the twins. Now that she was eight, Ally said she was too old for "baby shows", but Annie knew that she secretly still loved the show and always watched it with Phillip and Andrew.

As Annie was standing at the sink rinsing a dish, Bobby came up and put his arms around her. She leaned her head back on his chest and closed her eyes. He asked, "Still want me to take the kids to the babysitter?" "No, I was kidding. I'm going to take them to the park this morning and drop them off on my way to the church. But would you pick them up after work? I'm meeting Alex at the gym."

It was only recently that they had resumed the once a week gym dates that had become a routine several months after Alex and Bobby became partners. Annie always insisted on meeting and socializing with Bobby's partners since he joined the NYPD. She told him that she wanted the person who might one day have to save his life to always remember that he had a family to come home to. She and Alex didn't have a lot in common and would probably have never become best friends under other circumstances. But they liked each other very much and found the gym to be a shared interest, so it became a habit to get together once a week. These days, however, she left the rock wall climbing to Alex and spent most of her time on the treadmill. After they finished and showered, they usually went out to eat where they would chat and catch up. Annie made a commitment even before their wedding never to complain about Bobby or their marriage to anyone, even in jest. Her friends at the hospital thought this was hilarious since they loved to joke about the many shortcomings of men in general and husbands in particular. But she kept her word, even after nearly ten years of marriage. With Alex she was especially careful not to confide too much personal information about Bobby and their marriage. She knew that Alex's partnership with Bobby was a much more important relationship than her friendship with Annie and she didn't want to divulge any private information that might interfere. They would talk about their jobs, Bobby and Annie's kids, Alex's brother's children, and Alex also confided about her sister's unsuccessful attempts to have a baby.

Things had been a bit strained between Alex and Annie lately. Bobby and Alex had recently worked on a case involving the murder of an abortion doctor. The case stirred up Alex's strong feelings about abortion. While she had known for a long time that Annie had a different viewpoint, they agreed to disagree and left the subject alone. But dealing with the fanatics who believed murdering abortion doctors was justifiable caused Alex to wonder once again how someone like Annie, intelligent and educated, could be opposed to a woman's right to choose. The pregnancy made Annie more emotional and less tolerant of her friend's opinions. Annie was opposed to killing of any kind, including the death penalty. Although she was appalled that anyone claiming to be "pro-life" would kill another human being, it didn't change how she felt about abortion itself. They exchanged some sharp comments before agreeing to not discuss it anymore. Annie was glad that Alex agreed to resume going to the gym with her as she missed talking to her. Last week was a little uncomfortable in the beginning as neither was sure what to say. But by the time they stopped for dinner afterwards, they were joking and laughing. Annie always enjoyed Alex's dry sense of humor and sarcasm.

Bobby told her he would pick the kids up and take them out for dinner. He kissed the top of her head, gave her a squeeze, and went upstairs to finish getting ready for work. Annie finished up in the kitchen and joined the children on the couch, then realized that she should take advantage of her rambunctious boys' rare moment of quiet and rapt attention to Oscar the Grouch to take her shower and get dressed.

As she headed up the stairs, Bobby was coming down. The sight of him in his suit caused her heart to speed up and set off butterflies in her stomach (which she was reasonably sure was not just the baby moving around), It amazed her that after ten years, simply looking at her handsome husband still took her breath away. Last night was the first time they had made love in almost four months, and the memory of it caused her to blush and smile. Bobby saw her blush and chuckled. Annie had suspected for years that he had the ability to read her mind because he always seemed to know what she was thinking. He met her on the landing and leaned down; at 5' 5", she only came to shoulder-height on his 6' 4" frame. She kissed him and told him, "I'll see you later, Babe." She continued on upstairs while Bobby went to tell the kids goodbye.

This would be her first day back volunteering at her church's soup kitchen. The smells of the food cooking, as well as the smell of some of the homeless people who came for meals, had proven too much for Annie's morning sickness. After the third day in a row that she ran from the dining room to throw up in the bathroom, causing a commotion among the people trying to eat, her pastor had gently suggested she take some time off until she felt better. She had been more than willing to comply. But now she was looking forward to going back. She missed the time spent working with her friends and the interactions with the people they fed.

By the time she showered, dressed, and came back downstairs, "Sesame Street" and "Barney" were over. She could see the boys had reached their limit of "quiet time" and were ready for activity. She sent them all upstairs to brush their teeth and comb their hair (although that seemed like a losing battle with Phillip and Andrew). They left the house and walked the three blocks to the park. The boys were ecstatic to be free to run and shout. Annie waited until they burned off a bit of their energy on the grass, running in circles and tackling each other, while she and Ally watched. Then she played with all three of them on the playground for a while. She tired much more quickly than they did these days, so she left them climbing on the jungle gym and sat down on a bench to read. After they walked home, Annie dropped them at the babysitter's and drove to the church downtown.

Bobby called as she pulled into the parking lot, asked how she was feeling, and told her he loved her. Lunch preparation was in full swing when Annie walked into the big church kitchen. The other volunteers welcomed her back, and then put her to work. She began volunteering one or two days a week when Ally was a baby, since she only worked three days a week at the hospital.

Annie worked nonstop for two hours, carrying food from the kitchen to the dining room, and then carrying dirty dishes back to the kitchen and washing them. She noticed a man who was new to her. He was 30ish, unkempt, and wearing baggy, dirty clothing. He was agitated, walking around the dining hall muttering to himself. Because she hadn't seen him before, Annie asked the other volunteers about him. They said that he started coming about a month ago. He came frequently, but not every day. About a week earlier the pastor had to call the police and have him removed. He was insisting there was poison in the food and began throwing plates of food on the floor. Since that day, there hadn't been any trouble with him although he always paced and talked to himself before he got in line for a meal. Annie watched him closely. She thought he was probably schizophrenic and obviously not taking any medication.

Annie had done very little psychiatric nursing in her career, but she recognized this behavior because of her mother-in-law's battle with mental illness. Watching her schizophrenia spiral out of control time and again had been difficult to watch. But the hardest thing Bobby had ever done was finally going to court to be named her conservator and having her committed to Carmel Ridge Treatment Center five years ago. He agonized a long time over the decision. Annie felt helpless to ease his pain and could only reassure him that she supported whatever decision he made. She offered to have Frances move into their home and to care for her. But on that Bobby was adamant. He said he did not want his children subjected to the same nightmare childhood he and his brother had. He did not want them waking up every morning wondering which Grandma they would find: fun Grandma, who read to them and played games with them, or crazy Grandma, who talked to people no one else could see and screamed at them for no reason. Annie knew he was describing what it had been like for him and his brother, and she wanted to cry for the two scared little boys. It turned out that Carmel Ridge was good for Frances. Her medications were strictly monitored. She felt safe there and began to make friends. Bobby called her every day and went to see her at least once a week. But he always called ahead to see what kind of day she was having before going. He would not allow the children to see her on "bad days"; on those days Bobby went to see her alone and Annie stayed home with the kids, so their exposure to her bizarre and erratic behavior was limited.

In between serving and washing dishes, Annie moved around the room talking to the people who came to eat. Some of them were homeless; some were struggling just to pay their rent and had little money for food. Many of them were regulars and Annie had gotten to know their names and their stories. Once, she approached the new man and tried to talk to him. She asked his name and he said it was Martin. She tried to find out more about him, but he became agitated, so she stopped. She told him to come and get some food when he was ready and then she left him alone. She was a little sorry she had talked to him because now his attention seemed to be focused on her. He continued pacing around the room and talking to himself, but now he was watching her every time she came into the dining room. It made her uncomfortable.

Annie was serving food when Martin finally got into line. He stared at her while he waited. When she handed him the tray of food, he looked at the tray then at Annie. He said, "I saw what you put in there." Annie tried to smile reassuringly at him and told him that there was nothing in the food that shouldn't be there. His voice got louder as he said, "I saw you! I saw what you did!" Annie told him, "All I have done is serve the food, Martin, I didn't cook it."

The man grabbed the tray and threw it against the wall. He screamed, "I saw you!" The suddenness of his actions caught her off guard. He reached over and grabbed her shirt, trying to pull her across the table. Thankfully, two of the men volunteering ran over and pulled his hands loose. They held his arms to his sides and hustled him out of the building. He screamed at Annie all the way out. Annie was shaking and trying to control her breathing. When the men came back in, they said that once they got him outside the man had broken loose and ran off down the street. One of the volunteers notified the pastor of what was going on and he called the police. The police came and took statements, but there was no sign of the man and no one knew anything about him other than his first name.

The pastor wanted to call Bobby, but Annie told him not to. She assured him that she would tell him about it when she got home. But it was over and she wasn't hurt so she didn't want to worry him at work. She was shaken, but went back to work and tried to calm her racing heart. She was jumpy and kept watching the door to see if Martin returned, but she didn't see him.

Things were winding down in the dining room as people finished eating and left. The volunteers who came in early to do the cooking left and Annie and three others were left to finish cleaning up. The other three were cleaning tables as Annie took the last load of dishes to the kitchen to wash. She walked into the large, empty kitchen carrying the tray of dirty dishes. When she was about half way to the sink, she heard quiet footsteps and tried to turn to see who had come in. But before she could turn, she felt a sharp pain in her right lower back. She gasped and dropped the tray. She felt an arm grab her from behind, across her chest. Then she felt another sharp pain in the right side of her abdomen, and another just under her left breast. Her body exploded with pain. The arm released her and she slid to the floor on her stomach. There was a moment of quiet, although she could hear someone panting as though they had run a race. She heard a clatter as something fell on the floor near her, then footsteps walking away from her.

The entire incident couldn't have lasted more than a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity. Had she screamed? She hoped so, but wasn't sure. She couldn't move, but could see the scattered dishes on the floor around her. It was silent now and Annie wondered if she was dying. She heard the door from the dining room open. Someone screamed, then there was the sound of running feet. She heard someone yell, "Call 911!", and there were more voices, more running feet. She could hear her pastor calling her name, but she couldn't seem to make her voice work. It was becoming difficult to keep her eyes open, and she finally gave up and closed them. Why was it so hard to breathe? The voices seemed to be getting fainter and she wondered why everyone was leaving her.

She thought about Bobby, Ally, Phillip, and Andrew. She wondered where Bobby would take them for dinner tonight. She remembered the familiar bedtime routines; giving the kids their baths, listening to them say their prayers, tucking them into bed, reading them a bedtime story. She thought she would ask Bobby to read to them tonight because she loved the sound of his voice. She tried to concentrate on the memory of Bobby's voice, reading or telling a story. But then her world went dark and silent as she slipped into unconsciousness.

**End Chapter 1**


	2. Chapter 2

By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect

**By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect**

**Chapter 2**

"'_I will do whatever you say,' Ruth answered. ____So she went down to the threshing floor and did everything her mother-in-law told her to do. __When Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits, he went over to lie down at the far end of the grain pile. Ruth approached quietly, uncovered his feet and lay down. In the middle of the night something startled the man, and he turned and discovered a woman lying at his feet."_

Annie felt like she was swimming through quicksand. It was dark and she felt cold. Her eyes were closed, she realized. She tried to open them, but they were too heavy. She wasn't in pain, but her breathing was slow and labored. She could hear distant sounds but couldn't make any sense of them. Then she realized that she recognized the sounds of soft footsteps walking up and down hallways, of voices murmuring, and somewhere nearby she could hear the sound of a blood pressure machine. She felt pressure on her right arm, and then it eased. There was a distinctive odor that took her a moment to place. Of course, it was antiseptic. She had spent the last fifteen years of her life surrounded by these sounds and smells. She was in a hospital.

"'_Who are you?' he asked._

'_I am your servant Ruth,' she said. 'Spread the corner of your garment over me, since you are a kinsman-redeemer.'" _

Bobby? She had been surrounded by _this_ sound for ten years. It was the sound Bobby's deep voice, soft and low. But his words didn't make sense to her. What was he talking about and who was he talking to?

"'_The __Lord __bless you, my daughter,' he replied. 'This kindness is greater than that which you showed earlier: You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor. And now, my daughter, don't be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character.'" _

Boaz? Ruth? Kinsman-redeemer? Now she recognized Bobby's words as well as his voice. This was the book of Ruth in the Old Testament. Bobby was reading the Bible. But why? This didn't make any sense. She lay there listening to Bobby's voice reading from Ruth. As she focused on his voice, she began to remember.

She remembered being grabbed, she remembered the pain throughout her body, and she remembered falling. She was attacked in the church kitchen, and now she was in a hospital. She tried again to open her eyes and this time they obeyed. She was in a semi-reclining position. Without moving her head, she tried to look to her left. She saw the rail of a hospital bed, and an IV pump. Now she could feel the blood pressure cuff on her right arm, the sticky feel of heart monitor electrodes on her skin, and the nasal cannula for oxygen in her nose. She knew that she must have an IV in her left arm, but she couldn't feel it. She shifted her eyes to the right, and there he was. Bobby. He was sitting next to her bed, holding her worn leather Bible in his large hands, and reading aloud from it. He was reading one of her favorite Bible stories. She wondered how long he had been reading to her; his voice sounded hoarse. He looked tired, as though he hadn't slept in days. His face had at least two days growth, and his clothing was wrinkled.

Annie tried to lift her hand to touch him, but it felt heavy and clumsy. Her movement caught Bobby's attention and he stopped reading. He laid the Bible down, picked up her hand, and held it to his lips. He kissed her hand and smiled at her.

"Hello Sleepyhead. Are you planning on spending the entire day in bed?"

She tried to speak but her voice was cracked and scratchy from dryness and disuse. Finally she was able to form words and asked, "Did I scream?"

Bobby looked at her for a moment in silence.

"Did you what?"

"Did I scream?"

He leaned close to her and asked softly, "Did you scream when, Babe?"

Annie tried to swallow. "In the kitchen. I thought I screamed, but I'm not sure. Did I scream?"

Without letting go of her, Bobby pulled his chair closer with his free hand. He covered her hand with both of his and rested his elbows on his knees. His expression was so full of sorrow that Annie wanted to cry.

"No, I don't think you screamed. Your friend Sarah said she heard a crash in the kitchen and thought you dropped the tray of dishes. She went to help you pick them up, and…….and found you on the floor. They called the paramedics and you were brought here."

Bobby stopped and let her digest this much of the story. Annie thought about it for a moment, remembering the scream and someone yelling to call 911.

"Was anyone else hurt?"

Bobby said, "No. Sarah saw the man going out the back kitchen door, but he didn't threaten anyone else. He just ran off down the street." He hesitated before adding, "Sarah recognized him. They found him the next day, Annie. He's in custody now."

Annie closed her eyes. She hadn't seen him, but she was sure she knew who it was.

She struggled to take a deep breath, but it was too painful. She wanted to ask about the baby, but she was afraid of what Bobby would tell her. She knew that if the baby were alright, Bobby would have told her as soon as he saw she was awake. He was watching her face intently.

"How bad is it?"

"He stabbed you three times; once in your lower right back, once on the right side of your stomach, once under your left breast. The one on your left caused your lung to collapse, so you have a chest tube in. You had surgery to repair your liver and one of your ureters. You lost a lot of blood and they've given you three transfusions. You have an IV for fluids and pain medicine, and you have a catheter."

The pneumothorax and the chest tube explained why it was so hard to breathe.

"Where are the kids?" she asked.

"With Janey." Their next door neighbor and Annie's good friend. "I told them that Mommy got hurt, but the doctors are taking care of you. Your grandfather is here. They have only let him in for a few minutes at a time. He has spent almost every minute away from you in the chapel. Your pastor and quite a few of the people from your church have been in there with him off and on."

Grandpa came from Connecticut. He must be so frightened. He had spent much too much time in hospitals, waiting for bad news.

She looked at Bobby and tried to think of another question, any question, other than the one she needed to ask the most. Bobby was still watching her closely. She realized that he was not going to say anything until she asked. He was waiting for her to be ready to hear the news. She delayed it just a bit longer.

"What day is it?"

He told her that it was late Thursday night, which meant it was two and a half days since the attack. Bobby said, "You came around a couple of times, but only for a few minutes, and you didn't seem to realize what was going on." She didn't remember anything since those brief moments in the church kitchen.

She couldn't stall any longer. "What about the baby?"

Bobby kept his eyes locked with hers and his hands covering her hand. He leaned closer and spoke so softly that she had to strain to hear him.

"There was nothing they could do, Baby. They said….." He paused, lowered his head, and exhaled. "They said that she died instantly."

Annie pulled her hand from his and laid her palm on his face. She felt the scratchy stubble on his cheek, and then moved her hand to his head, entwining her fingers in his hair. She closed her eyes and felt the hot tears slide down her face. She cried softly, afraid to move. After a few minutes, Bobby looked up at her, his own eyes red and wet. He got up and pulled the curtain around the bed. He lay down in the bed next to her, being careful of all the tubes. As big as he was, somehow he fit in the small bed with her. He put his left arm around her and cradled her head on his chest. They were both silent, just holding one another. Annie finally drifted off to sleep.

The pain woke her up. It was early morning, still dark. She moaned softly and Bobby woke up instantly. He sat up next to her, put his hand on her face.

"Are you in pain?"

She whispered, "Yes", and Bobby reached for the call button to summon the nurse. Annie couldn't tell where it hurt the most. The pain seemed to encompass her entire body. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe slowly and deeply, but the chest wound made that difficult. Bobby got off the bed and stood over her, with his hand on her forehead. A voice came from somewhere over the bed, asking what she needed. Bobby said, "She's in pain" and the voice said the nurse would be right there.

The nurse came in with a syringe in her hand and injected the Morphine through her IV. She told Annie that she would give it a few minutes to work before she came back in to check her. Annie recognized the nurse and realized for the first time that she was in her own hospital, in the Intensive Care Unit. It didn't take long for the Morphine to take effect and she relaxed. Bobby relaxed, too, and sat down, holding her hand. The nurse came back and quietly and efficiently performed all the early morning routines of patient care; checking her blood pressure and heart rate on the monitor, taking her temperature, emptying the catheter bag, putting up a new bag of IV fluid, making sure the suction on the chest tube was correct, checking her bandages. It was getting light out now. The nurse said that the doctor would be making rounds soon.

They brought her a breakfast of clear liquids; Jell-O, clear broth, apple juice. Annie took a few bites at Bobby's urging, but she wasn't hungry. She did, however, drink some water and it soothed her throat. The day shift had begun and her new nurse came in and said that her grandfather wanted to see her; she said that he could come in for just a few minutes.

Grandpa came in and hugged her, holding her tightly. The feel of his strong arms around her soothed Annie. He finally let go of her and sat on the chair next to her bed. Like Bobby, he looked as though he hadn't slept in days. She could see the worry in his face.

Annie only had dim memories of her grandmother and of her illness and death when Annie was five. She had much more vivid memories of her parents' deaths after their car was hit by a drunk driver. Annie was eleven when they died and she went to live with her grandfather in Connecticut. It was just the two of them until she went back to New York to go to nursing school, and they were very close. At eighty-five, she knew that the trip was not easy for him, and she knew Bobby probably tried to convince him to stay home. But there would be no keeping Grandpa away.

They didn't say very much, and Grandpa didn't mention the baby. His silent presence was familiar and comforting. The nurse let him stay longer than the five minutes allowed, but finally came in and told him that he would have to leave. Grandpa hugged her again and kissed her forehead.

Dr. Silva was making rounds with three residents. She knew that he was an excellent surgeon and was glad he had been there to operate on her. He asked the residents questions about her injuries and treatment, and they vied to show him how much they knew. Annie recognized all three of them from their rotations in the Emergency Room. Dr. Silva explained the extent of her injuries to her and told her that he expected her to make a full recovery. She thought about her baby who would not have the chance to make a full recovery, but she pushed the thought from her mind. She was not going to break down and cry in front of all these doctors, especially since she had to work with them at times when they were needed to consult in the ER. When she could trust her voice, she asked Dr. Silva to please have the catheter taken out and he said that he would now that she was fully awake and alert. After they left, the nurse came in and drew some blood for tests and then she removed the catheter.

The morning's activity left Annie exhausted and craving sleep. She tried to convince Bobby to get something to eat while she took a nap since she suspected he had eaten little or nothing in the last two days. But he refused to leave and told her he was fine. He said that after her nap he would call the kids and let them talk to her, because they would not be allowed in the ICU. He also said that the detectives from the 27th Precinct who were investigating her case had been checking in on her, and would be in later to take her statement. He sat down next to the bed, picked up Annie's Bible, and began reading to her. The soothing sound of his voice and the words of the Gospel of John lulled her to sleep.

_In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ____He was with God in the beginning. _

**End Chapter 2**


	3. Chapter 3

By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect

**By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect**

**Chapter 3**

When she awoke two hours later, she was in pain again. Bobby was still sitting by her bed and he called the nurse, who brought her some more lovely Morphine. In all the years that Annie had been a nurse, she had given Morphine to patients many times. She understood now why the drug-seeking regulars in the ER tried to so hard to convince the doctors that they needed it. It was quite effective at taking away the pain, and left a pleasant "buzz" in its wake.

Once the pain eased, Bobby called Janey's house and gave Annie the phone to talk to the children. Phillip and Andrew excitedly told her about all the fun they were having with Janey's son, who was their best friend. They were feeling very grown-up at having a "sleep-over" like big kids. Ally was subdued. Being older, she was more aware that this must be serious to keep Mommy and Daddy away so long. Annie could tell she was worried and tried to reassure her that she was fine.

Ally said, "Janey told us we should draw pictures for you because it would make you feel better, Mommy. I made a picture of you and Daddy and me and Phillip and Andrew at the beach. And Daddy has a frowny face because he doesn't like the beach. But we love the beach, don't we, Mommy?"

Annie smiled and told her, "Yes, we love the beach. Almost as much as we love Daddy's 'frowny' face. I can't wait to see your picture, Ally. Janey is right; your pictures always make me feel better." She talked to them for a few more minutes, and then Bobby talked to them before hanging up.

The nurse brought Annie her lunch: more juice, broth, and Jello. She saw that it was vegetable broth and realized that Bobby must have told them she was a vegetarian. As with all their other differences, the fact that Annie was vegetarian and Bobby was not had never been a source of conflict. She cooked meat-based meals for Bobby (and took his word for it that they were good), and Bobby had learned to make vegetarian dishes for her. Although she wanted the children to have a vegetarian diet until they were at least ten years old, Bobby had negotiated her down to five years. Ally chose to eat meat, Daddy's girl that she was, and the twins were begging to try it. Annie had two more months to go before the twins turned five, and she was wavering since she knew it was difficult for them to see their Daddy and their big sister eating things they weren't allowed.

Just after lunch, the nurse told them that the police were there and needed to see her. The two detectives came in the room and she recognized Detectives Briscoe and Green. They came to the ER at times to interview victims or witnesses. They asked how she was and made some small talk. Finally, Detective Green asked her to tell them what she remembered from that day. They took notes as she described working in the kitchen, meeting Martin, the way he stared at her as she was working, and the altercation when she tried to serve him food. It was difficult talking about what happened in the kitchen, and her voice broke. Bobby took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly as she talked.

Detective Biscoe asked, "Did you see who grabbed you?"

"No, he was behind me and I didn't see his face."

Briscoe laid several pictures on the table in front of her and asked, "Do you recognize any of these men, Ms. Paine?"

Annie immediately pointed to the picture of Martin and said, "He's the man who grabbed me in the dining room."

"Did you have any problems with him before that day?"

Annie shook head. "I had never seen him before. That was the first day I had worked in the kitchen in a few months. The other volunteers said that Martin started coming about a month ago, but I met him for the first time Tuesday."

Detective Green said, "His name is Martin Ramsay. From the description we had from witnesses at the church, we questioned a lot of the homeless in the area and found out he was living in an abandoned store. When we found him, he wouldn't tell us his name. But he had a picture in his pocket of him and his wife on their wedding day. It had their names on the back, and we were able to track her down. She reported him missing two months ago. Ramsay was an engineer; very intelligent and educated. But his wife says that about seven or eight months ago he began acting strange. He accused her of things she hadn't done, he thought people at work were trying to get rid of him. Finally his behavior was so bizarre that his wife insisted that he see a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and put on medication. But his wife said that he didn't like the way the medication made him feel and he refused to take it.

"She said he stopped going to work and would spend days in his basement, talking to people who weren't there, and refusing to come out. When he did go out in public, he would yell at people on the street and make wild accusations. Then two months ago, his wife came home from work and he was gone. She looked for him, but when he didn't come back by the next morning, she reported him missing. She didn't see him again until yesterday at Riker's."

Annie sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. She felt sorry for the man's wife. She knew how hard mental illness was for the entire family. She looked at Bobby and knew that he was thinking about Ramsay's wife, too.

Detective Briscoe picked up the narrative. "This isn't any big mystery, Ms. Paine. The woman who found you identified Ramsay as the man leaving the kitchen when she got there. He left the knife on the floor and it had his fingerprints on it." Briscoe hesitated and glanced at Bobby. "The shirt he was wearing had your blood on it. We got a rush on the results on the fingerprints and blood since this was family." Briscoe glanced at Bobby again before continuing.

"Ramsay confessed. When we got him to the station and questioned him, he said that he saw you put poison in the food and he had to stop you. He was talking and yelling the entire time and not much of what he said made any sense, but he remembered you very well and insisted he had to stop you. He didn't make any attempt to cover up what he had done. He was evidently living in that abandoned store for a couple of months and he didn't try to hide. We had to subdue him, though, when we got there. He was screaming at us about 'invaders' and throwing whatever he could find. He's in the psych unit at Riker's, being evaluated."

Annie asked what was going to happen next and Green explained that now it was up to the District Attorney to decide what Ramsay would be charged with. He said that the DA would want to talk to her when she was up to it. Briscoe gave her his card and told her to call if she had any questions or remembered anything else. They shook hands with Bobby and he walked out with them.

Annie lay there thinking about all they had told her about Martin Ramsay. She remembered the pain of the knife stabbing her, the feel of his arm across her chest, and most of all the fear. The memory of those moments and the grief over losing the baby threatened to overwhelm her. She closed her eyes and took some deep breaths, as best she could with the chest tube, trying to compose herself before Bobby came back. She was determined not to cry or lose self-control. She refused to be a hysterical victim and fall apart every time she had to talk about what happened to her.

When Bobby came back in the room, Grandpa and Alex were with him. Alex hugged her and told her, "Your Grandpa has come to kidnap your husband. They are going back to your house to shower and change, then get something to eat." Bobby opened his mouth to argue, but without even looking at him, Alex held her hand up and added, "And I am going to keep you company until Mr. Vigilant here gets back."

Bobby shook his head and said, "I'm fine. Thank you both, but I'm not leaving."

Annie asked him, "When was the last time you ate?" He thought for a moment. "I don't know, but Grandpa and Alex have brought me food. I'm fine", he insisted again.

Grandpa protested, "All we brought were snacks from the machines; crackers, candy, tuna sandwiches. And you didn't eat more than a few bites of any of it."

Annie reached for Bobby's hand and tugged for him to come close. Alex and Grandpa stepped outside as Annie reached up to hug him and whisper in his ear.

"I want you to go with Grandpa. Go home and get cleaned up, eat a real meal, and spend some time with the kids. I'm fine, Babe. And Alex will be here with me." Bobby started to argue, but she put her finger on his mouth. "Please, Babe, please. The kids must be scared. They need to see one of us, and I'm kinda tied up right now." She smiled up at him.

Bobby closed his eyes and sighed. He nodded his head and kissed her. Bobby stood up and went to the door of the room to tell Alex she could come back in. Grandpa kissed Annie goodbye and she whispered to him, "Try to get him to take a nap." He nodded.

As they were leaving, Annie said, "Bobby—wear the jeans and the black tee shirt." He stopped, looked at her in surprise, and then burst out laughing at the "inside joke." She had been telling him for years that his black tee shirt was her favorite piece of clothing. It felt good to hear him laugh.

Alex sat down and asked Annie, "How are you _really_?"

"Well, other than having tubes and wires all over my body and providing a nice profit for the drug company that makes Morphine, I'm doing great."

She didn't mention the baby; she didn't trust herself. Alex shifted in her chair and looked uncomfortable. She didn't say anything for a moment, then she said softly, "Annie, I'm so sorry about the baby. And I'm sorry about the things I said to you about…um…about…."

She trailed off, but Annie knew she was talking about the words they had exchanged about abortion. She took a shaky breath, not wanting to talk about the baby, not wanting to let anyone see her cry.

"Alex, please. You don't need to apologize. You and I may never agree about abortion, but I have never doubted how you feel about children. I've seen you with my kids. You've babysat for them, and they love you. You and I are OK."

Alex said nothing, she just nodded her head. Wanting to talk about anything other than the baby, Annie asked, "Were you with Bobby when he got the call?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, I was. Your pastor called the squad room and talked to Captain Deakins. He thought it would be better for the Captain to tell Bobby in person than to hear it over the phone. The Captain called both of us into his office. He told Bobby that you had been attacked by someone at the church and were on your way to the hospital."

Alex sighed. "I've never seen him like that, Annie. He looked like he had been punched in the stomach. He jumped up to come to the hospital, but he couldn't seem to figure out where his keys were or even how to open the door of the office. Captain Deakins suggested that I drive him over and Bobby agreed.

"When we got here, you were still in the ER. I stayed out in the waiting room and they took Bobby in to see you. It wasn't too long before they took you upstairs to surgery. They let me stay in the waiting room up there with Bobby. He said that you were unconscious when they brought you in and you never came to in the ER. He, uh, he couldn't really talk about it very much. But he told me about the baby."

Annie tried not to flinch at the mention of the baby. Alex took a breath and continued.

"Bobby just paced most of the time you were in surgery. The babysitter called him because he was late picking up the kids, and he made arrangements for your neighbor to go get them. He called them after they got to Janey's and talked to them. Then he called your grandfather. I know that was hard for him. Your grandfather wanted to drive down right then, but Bobby convinced him to wait until morning. The doctor finally came out and said that you came through surgery fine and Bobby could see you after they recovered you and got you to a room. It was like he could finally breathe again.

"I stayed with him until they came and told him that you were in ICU and he could stay in the room with you. I offered to go to your house and get whatever he needed. The only thing he asked for was your Bible. So he gave me the keys and I went over there. I saw the kids before I left and tried to reassure them. I think the twins don't really understand what's going on, but Ally was quiet and I could tell she was worried. I got Bobby a change of clothes as well as your Bible and brought them back to him. I've been checking in a couple times a day, and the Captain gave me a few hours off this afternoon to come over here. Bobby hasn't left your side for anything other than bathroom breaks the entire time you've been here."

Annie wanted to cry as she thought about the fear and worry that both Bobby and Grandpa must have been feeling.

"Thank you for telling me, Alex."

When Bobby returned, he was alone. He said that Grandpa took him to the parking garage at 1 Police Plaza so Bobby could pick up his car. After dropping it off at the house, they went to the church to pick up Annie's SUV. Grandpa decided to stay at the house with the kids, so that they could sleep in their own beds. He would be back to see Annie the next day. Alex hugged Annie goodbye and promised to come back after work the next day.

Bobby was clean-shaven and wearing the jeans and black tee shirt Annie requested. He brought with him the drawings that the children made. Annie gently ran her fingers over the pictures. Ally's drawing of the five of them at the beach did indeed include Daddy's "frowny face". What the boys lacked in the skill and maturity of their sister's artwork, they more than made up for in enthusiasm. She smiled at their eclectic arrangements of horses, dogs, fire trucks, race cars, flowers, and dragons in wild colors that must have driven neat, precise Ally crazy. Bobby taped the drawings to the wall where Annie could see them.

They brought her real food for dinner that night. She wasn't very hungry, but managed to eat some of it. The days fell into almost a routine. The nurses came regularly to take care of her. She gradually made the transition from needing Morphine through her IV to taking pain pills. After a few days, the chest tube was removed. Because of her wounds, she couldn't take a shower and the nurses came in every morning to help her with a bed bath.

Bobby rarely left her side. Occasionally Alex or Grandpa would insist on taking him out for a meal, or he would go home for a few hours to change and to spend time with the children. Annie talked to them on the phone every day, and every day they drew pictures or wrote letters to her. Bobby would sit for hours, reading to her from her Bible or from one of several books he brought from home. While she napped, he would read his own journals and books for research. He called his mother and explained what had happened. Frances took the news surprisingly well and Annie was grateful. She knew it would have been difficult for Bobby if he had to deal with his mother's mental illness while trying to take care of his wife. He helped her wash her long blond hair in the small bathroom sink, and then he combed it out for her and pulled it back into a French Braid. The feel of his gentle, long fingers in her hair had always been soothing to her. At night he would lie next to her in the small hospital bed and wrap his arms around her. With her face against his broad chest, she could hear and feel the steady beat of his heart. Annie thought that must be the most comforting sound in the world.

At times Bobby tried to talk to her about the baby, about what had happened, but she would change the subject or say that she was tired and needed a nap. She didn't want to think about it, remember it. She also didn't want Bobby to see the reminders of what Martin Ramsay had done. Annie was careful not to let Bobby see any of her wounds. She insisted that the nurse help her with her bed bath, and not Bobby. She even asked him to leave the room when the doctors or the nurses changed the dressings on her wounds. Once she was able to get out of bed, she accepted his strong arms around her as she walked to the bathroom. But once there, she insisted he leave until she was finished. Since their wedding night, Annie had never been shy about her body in front of him. She could see that he was confused and a little hurt by her newfound modesty. But she couldn't help it; she did not want him to see her body like this.

Grandpa stayed at the house with the children, but he managed to come to see her every day. Her pastor came by every day to see her and pray with her. Alex dropped by in the evenings, after work. Even Captain Deakins came to see her once. She had met him a few times when she met Bobby for lunch, and she had met his wife at last year's Christmas party.

Finally, after a week, Dr. Silva said that she could go home. Annie looked forward to seeing the children and to sleeping in her own bed. She was also a little reluctant to leave the hospital. She was able to block the memories here, and to ignore feelings of loss. She felt almost numb and was afraid that it would be harder to maintain this numb feeling at home. But she needed to be home, to be with her children.

So Bobby packed up their things, signed all the paperwork, and helped her out to the SUV. They were going home to "get on with their lives". As Bobby drove away from the hospital and towards their home, Annie wasn't sure how to get on with a life that didn't include the precious life that had been inside her for five months. But she was determined to find a way to make life normal for her children again.

**End Chapter 3**


	4. Chapter 4

By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect

**By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect**

**Chapter 4**

As the SUV pulled into the driveway, the front door of the house flew open and two dark-haired, curly-headed boys exploded through the doorway, followed by a more subdued blond-haired girl. As Phillip and Andrew rounded the car towards Annie's door, Bobby stepped out of the SUV and ordered, "Stop!" The twins skidded to a stop and looked at their father.

"What did we talk about?"

The boys looked at each other, then back at Bobby, and said in unison, "Mommy needs peace and quiet and gentle touches."

Annie smiled at their earnest faces as they approached her car door. Bobby came around and opened her door and helped her out. She bent down to hug each of the boys, and then Ally. She allowed the boys to take her hands and lead her into the house while Bobby got her things. She sat down on the sofa and the boys climbed up with her. Phillip and Andrew kept up a constant chatter, but Ally was quiet as she sat down on the end of the sofa.

Grandpa fussed over her, adjusting the sofa pillows and asking if she wanted anything to eat. Janey came by from next door with a casserole she had made. Annie's pastor and several members from her church stopped in to see her, each of them bringing food. Annie wondered if they would be able to eat all the food. Bobby was quiet, but he watched her closely. He could see that she was tiring and convinced the children that Mommy needed a nap. He helped her up the stairs to their bedroom. As she snuggled into the familiar comfort of their bed, Bobby sat next to her and ran his fingers through her hair until she drifted off to sleep.

When she woke up, Bobby insisted she stay upstairs. The doctor had told her that she could only make two trips per day up and down the stairs for the next two weeks. Grandpa warmed up some of the food brought by friends, and the entire family joined her in the bedroom for dinner. The children thought having a picnic on a big blanket on the bedroom floor was fun, while the adults ate on trays. While Bobby and Grandpa washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, the kids climbed on the bed with Annie to watch the Disney Channel. Bobby brought some games in to play. Finally Bobby sent Ally in to take a bath and then helped the twins with their baths. Once they were clean and dressed for bed, they all climbed onto the bed with Annie and said their prayers. Grandpa excused himself and went downstairs, while Bobby read a story.

"OK, time for you three to go to bed", Bobby said after finishing the story.

Phillip and Andrew both kissed their mother, but Ally hesitated before kissing her goodnight. Annie asked, "Ally, what's wrong?"

Ally leaned against Annie and asked, "Is that man a bad man?"

There was silence in the bedroom as all three children looked at their mother. Annie and Bobby looked at each other for a moment. Annie desperately wanted not to talk about the baby or about the attack. But she put her arms around Ally and hugged her, sighed and answered, "I don't know if he is a bad man, Sweetheart. But I know that he did a really bad thing."

"Why did our baby have to die?"

The question hung in the air. Annie wanted to be anywhere else at that moment.

"I don't know why, Ally. Sometimes people do really bad things to each other and there just isn't any reason for it. But I do know this—we will see our baby someday in heaven."

Phillip asked, "But we don't know what she looks like. How will we know who Jezebel is?"

Annie looked at Bobby and smiled slightly at Phillip's use of the name Jezebel. So the baby would be Jezebel after all.

"Jesus will make sure we know who she is."

This seemed to satisfy all three of them and they all kissed her again and went off to bed. Annie was glad that Bobby was gone for a few minutes, tucking everyone into bed. She needed the time to compose herself.

Annie insisted that Bobby go back to work the next day, and after two weeks she insisted that Grandpa go home to Connecticut. She was healing and regaining her strength. She still refused to allow Bobby to see her body. She locked herself in the bathroom and changed the bandages herself. The one on her back was difficult to reach, but she managed. The wounds healed and left scars in their place.

Several times Bobby tried to initiate love making, but each time she refused and said she wasn't ready. He accepted this, but she knew he didn't understand. In all the time they had been married, Annie had rarely refused sex; only during the early months of her pregnancies when her morning sickness was at its worst.

Bobby tried to get her to talk, but she avoided any conversation having to do with the attack or the baby. She managed to numb her feelings and she did not want anything to interfere with that. Once, she overheard Ally tell Bobby, "The house is too quiet. Mommy doesn't sing anymore." She regretted that Ally missed her singing, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

One night, after putting the children to bed, Annie looked for Bobby since he was not in their bedroom. She saw the light on in his office in the basement and went down the stairs. She found him sitting on the leather couch with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He looked up when he heard her on the stairs and she saw that his eyes were red and moist. The sight of Bobby looking so sad tugged at her heart and almost cracked the shield she had erected around her heart. She was afraid she might drown with the sorrow and pain if she let those emotions surface, so she refused to acknowledge them.

But she had to go to Bobby. She knelt on the floor in front of him, put her arms around him, and whispered, "Bobby". He wrapped his arms around her tightly and buried his face in her hair. They held each other in silence for a long time. Finally, Bobby sighed, and began to kiss Annie's neck. He slid his hands under her shirt to touch her bare skin, and tried to pull her onto the couch with him. Annie stiffened and pulled away.

"I…I can't. I'm sorry, Babe, I just can't. I'm not ready."

Bobby let her go. He told her he would be up later; he had some reading to do. Annie looked back at him as she went up the stairs and once again found herself in danger of losing the numb feeling she had cultivated so carefully. She hurried up the stairs.

She resumed going to church and Bobby even went with her. But somehow the familiar songs, the prayers, even the stirring sermons failed to penetrate her cold heart and give her comfort. She continued going because it was expected. But she didn't stay to talk to anyone; she left as quickly as she could. She never stayed for potluck, saying she was tired and needed to go home and rest. The truth was that she was avoiding going into the church kitchen, where painful memories were lurking.

In the alcove off of the living room, there was a large window seat that Annie had adopted as her "prayer room" years ago. The window seat was padded and opened to reveal a storage area underneath. Annie kept her "God stuff", as Bobby called it, in there. She had several versions of the Bible, although her favorite was the worn dark blue leather Bible with her name embossed in silver that her grandfather had given her at her baptism when she was 15. She had a prayer journal that she wrote in at length (and, in fact, she had a storage box of filled journals in the basement), a concordance, the latest devotional that she was reading, and several research books. She had added several pillows to the window seat. Annie used to spend hours in her "prayer room"; reading, praying, studying. But now it sat empty. She picked up her Bible occasionally, but found no comfort there. She tried to write in her prayer journal, but the words would not come.

She went back to work, just a few hours a day at first. It was difficult seeing the sympathy in everyone's eyes and accepting their condolences. But the fast pace of the ER helped to keep her mind occupied.

The twins had their fifth birthday, and there was a party in the back yard. School began and the boys started Kindergarten, to their great delight. All three of the children had inherited both parents' love of books and reading, and they loved school.

Two months after the attack, Martin Ramsay was finally declared fit to stand trial and was arraigned. Annie and Bobby went to the office of Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy.

Mr. McCoy told them, "We charged Ramsay with attempted murder. We would have charged him with the murder of the fetus, but we would have to prove it could have been viable outside the womb and I don't believe we can do that."

Annie winced imperceptibly at his use of the words "fetus" and "it", but said nothing. Bobby asked, "Attempted murder? Can you prove he intended to kill Annie? He left her alive when he had the opportunity to…..to finish."

Mr. McCoy answered, "He may have thought she was dead. I think a jury will believe he intended to kill her. But his lawyer is going to argue that he is not guilty by reason of mental disease or defect."

Annie had not wanted to meet with Mr. McCoy. She wanted the whole thing to go away. She knew that a trial would mean having to testify and relive the entire thing. But more than that, she also believed that Ramsay really was crazy.

Annie said, "You should take a plea and send him to a mental hospital for treatment."

"We take an attack on the family of a police officer very seriously, Ms. Paine."

"I appreciate that, Mr. McCoy, but he has Paranoid Schizophrenia, which can probably be controlled by medication. I saw how he was acting before he attacked me."

"Exactly. It can be controlled by medication, which he refused to take. Not taking his medication was a choice that he knew could lead to dangerous behavior. That makes him responsible, even if he didn't understand the consequences of his actions at the time of the attack. Look, Ms. Paine, I realize that you were attacked at your church. I understand that you are active in your church, and that churches teach forgiveness and redemption. But this office is concerned with justice."

"God is concerned with justice, too, Mr. McCoy. Ramsay's redemption is not my concern, that's between him and God. As for forgiving him; I'm not saying that I have forgiven him, that's something I have to work out with God myself. But none of that is why I'm telling you to make a deal with him. I just want to do the right thing. There is nothing just about locking up a man who is not responsible for his actions. Arguing that not taking his medication makes him responsible seems like a stretch to me. This was a new diagnosis for him. He stopped taking his medication because of how it made him feel. But from what I understand, he had not been violent before. Just make the deal, Mr. McCoy. Get him treatment and let him try to put his life back together."

McCoy looked at her incredulously. "I'm not used to having a victim plead for mercy for her attacker." He turned to Bobby, who had been silent. "What do you say, Detective?"

Bobby took Annie's hand and asked, "Are you sure about this?" She nodded and Bobby told McCoy, "Make the deal".

They were alone in the elevator as they left. Bobby looked at Annie and told her, "You can hide behind this mask of calm acceptance, Annie. And you might fool most people into thinking you are OK. But I know you. Those feelings aren't going to magically go away. You will have to deal with them sooner or later." He leaned closer and whispered, "Talk to me, Baby."

Annie stared straight ahead as she said, "I'm fine, Bobby. Just leave it alone."

McCoy's office notified them that Ramsay had accepted a plea offer and would be sentenced on Monday morning. Annie had no desire or intention of going, but Bobby insisted that they go and on this he would not relent. So Annie finally agreed, but Bobby could see how angry she was. They sat in the courtroom and waited for Ramsay's sentencing hearing. When the bailiff brought Ramsay into the courtroom, Annie's breath caught in her throat. He looked much different from the last time she had seen him. He was clean-shaven, well-groomed, and dressed in a suit. But the sight of him threatened to overwhelm her as memories began to seep through her defenses. She felt Bobby take her hand and didn't pull away, but she didn't acknowledge him either. She tried to keep her eyes on Mr. McCoy and the judge, rather than the man who had taken so much from her.

She listened as McCoy explained the plea arrangement, but all the sound in the room seemed like it was coming from far away. Ramsay would go to a psychiatric facility until the doctors were confident that his schizophrenia was well-controlled with medication and he was compliant with his treatment. It would be a minimum of a year, to be followed by time in a half-way house, before being allowed to return home on parole. This was what she wanted, what she had insisted on. So she couldn't understand why her brain was now screaming, "It's not fair!"

The judge agreed to the plea arrangement and just like that, the hearing was over. She felt Bobby rise next to her and she stood up. She finally looked over at Ramsay again. He was turning around to a young woman standing behind him in the audience. They embraced and kissed before the bailiff led Ramsay from the room. Somewhere in Annie's brain was the thought, "That must be his wife." The woman turned around to leave and Annie saw a full view of her for the first time.

The blood drained from Annie's face and she felt like the floor had dropped out from under her. She was having trouble breathing and thought for a moment that she might faint. She watched Mrs. Ramsay leave the courtroom. Bobby took Annie's arm to direct her out of the room, but she didn't move for a full minute. She just stood and stared at the door that the woman had gone through. She heard Bobby saying her name and asking her something, but she couldn't respond. Slowly she felt rage building until it felt as though she might explode.

She pushed past Bobby and marched up to the table where Mr. McCoy was gathering his papers. Her voice low and shaking with emotion, Annie said, "You _lied_ to me!"

McCoy looked up in surprise. "What are you talking about? I haven't lied to you."

Annie felt Bobby come up behind her and place his hand on her back. She pushed him away and turned back to McCoy. Her voice was louder now, but she didn't care who heard her.

"Why didn't you tell me Ramsay's wife was _pregnant_?!"

**End Chapter 4**


	5. Chapter 5

By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect

**By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect**

**CHAPTER 5**

ADA Jack McCoy stared at Annie in surprised shock. She was so angry that she was trembling and her voice shook.

"_No one_ told me that Martin Ramsay's wife was pregnant. No one. Not you, not Detectives Briscoe and Green. No one. Why is that?"

McCoy cleared his throat. "I can't speak for the detectives, but I simply thought it would be hard for you to hear because of your own loss, and because it has nothing to do with the case."

"Nothing to do with the case?! The fact that the man who killed my baby is having one of his own has nothing to do with the case? It has _everything_ to do with the case! You knew that and you deliberately kept it from me!"

McCoy said, "_I_ am the one who wanted to charge him with attempted murder, Ms. Paine. _You_ are the one who insisted on this plea bargain. Why would I keep it from you if I thought it would change your opinion? And why _would _it change your opinion? The facts of the case haven't changed. Mrs. Ramsay and her pregnancy have nothing to do with what happened to you."

Somewhere in the back of Annie's mind, there was still some rational thought, and she knew that what Mr. McCoy said was true. Unfortunately, that rational part of her brain didn't seem to be in control at the moment. She couldn't think of anything else to say and she was afraid that if she stayed any longer, her anger would turn to tears. So, without saying another word, she turned on her heel and stormed out of the courtroom.

Bobby had been silent during her tirade, and she wasn't even aware of his presence until she got to the elevator. He took her hand as they waited, but said nothing. The elevator was crowded and they didn't speak until they were in the car headed home.

Bobby glanced at her and said, "Annie, we need to talk."

She snapped, "No _we_ don't need to do anything. _You_ need to leave it alone."

He was silent the rest of the way home. But when they pulled into the driveway, he reached over and took hold of her arm before she could open her door. He held her arm firmly and repeated, "Annie, we need to talk."

She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes and the pent-up emotions threatening to boil over. Trying to maintain control she told Bobby, "I don't want to talk. I want you to go to work and leave me alone. Let. Go. Of. Me."

Bobby held onto her arm and just looked at her for a moment. She refused to meet his eyes. Finally, without saying anything he let go of her arm. He sat and watched her as she got out of the car and went into the house, slamming the door. He sat for a few more moments, and then drove off.

Inside the house, Annie was agitated and didn't know what to do. She tried turning on the TV, but couldn't sit still to watch it. She picked up several books and put them back. She looked around at the house, considered a cleaning frenzy, but couldn't focus enough to get started. So she went upstairs and got her gym bag.

Annie hadn't been to the gym since the day of the attack, but the physical activity seemed like a good way to get her brain to stop its frenzied activity. She spent some time on the treadmill, and then went from station to station. She even climbed the rock wall. By the time she had been there two hours, she felt exhausted. She showered and changed and went to pick the kids up from school.

She was glad for the busyness of the children. She helped them with their homework, and then they helped her make cookies. She sent them outside to play while she made dinner. By the time Bobby got home, dinner was ready and she felt calm and in control again.

They went through the evening routines as usual; dinner, baths, prayers, bedtime story. Annie could feel Bobby watching her all evening, but he said very little to her. The twins were unusually quiet, as though all of them could feel the tension. After getting the children in bed, Annie took some laundry to the laundry room off of the kitchen. When she came out, she didn't see Bobby, but the light was on in the basement. She went upstairs and tried to watch TV while she finished the laundry. Around ten o'clock, she went to bed. Bobby was still in the basement. She knew he was angry with her, but she couldn't bring herself to go talk to him.

Around midnight, Annie woke up and could not get back to sleep. Bobby still had not come to bed. She went downstairs and decided she was hungry. Rummaging around in the refrigerator, she found some left-over chicken from the night before. She got the dish out and sat at the table, eating it with her fingers.

She heard the basement door open and close, and Bobby came into the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway and stared at her.

"What?" She said irritably.

"You're eating chicken," Bobby observed.

"And?"

"And? Annie, you're a vegetarian. I've never seen you eat meat in all the years I've known you."

She let out a disgusted sigh. "I felt like having some chicken. Is that a problem?"

Bobby raised his hands in mock surrender and said, "Uh, no. No problem at all."

He sat down at the table across from her and just watched her. The chicken had seemed like a good idea a few minutes ago, but now with Bobby's solemn eyes on her, she was suddenly uncomfortable. She threw the piece of chicken back in the dish and stood up so suddenly that her chair tipped over, making a loud crash in the silent kitchen. Annie picked up the dish and turned to put it away, saying, "Fine, I'm a vegetarian. No more chicken for me. Are you happy?"

As she turned from the table, the dish slipped out of her hands and fell to the floor, shattering into pieces and scattering chicken across the kitchen. Annie was barefoot, so Bobby jumped up and told her, "Don't move!" He held her by the waist, lifted her up, and set her on the kitchen counter. He gave her a wet paper towel to clean her hands and he checked her feet and legs for any cuts or scratches. Somehow there were none.

"Just stay there and I'll clean this up."

She sat quietly and watched him clean up the chicken and the glass. When he was satisfied that he had gotten it all, he came over to the counter. Annie moved to slide off the counter, but Bobby blocked her way. He stood in front of her and placed his hands on the counter on either side of her.

"Annie, we need to talk. Now."

Anger bubbled up in her. "Talk?! You want to talk? OK, lets talk about how no one told me that Ramsay's wife was pregnant. Did you know about it, Bobby? Did you keep it from me too?"

"No, I didn't know about it. But like Jack McCoy said, 'What difference does it make?' It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't change Ramsay's responsibility or lack of responsibility. If you had known about the pregnancy, would you have asked for the attempted murder charge?"

Without thinking Annie exclaimed, "Yes! Yes I would have. If I had known that come October, he would be holding _his_ baby in his arms while w….while we…." She trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

Bobby finished her thought for her. "While we _won't_ be holding our baby."

"No, we won't."

"And that's not fair, is it?"

Angrily she shouted, "No! It isn't fair! He killed our baby, and now _he_ is going to be a father? No, it is not fair!"

Softly, Bobby added, "And there won't be any more babies for us to hold."

She didn't answer, but looked down. He leaned closer and repeated, "There won't be any more babies for us, will there, Annie?"

The tears began to flow and she still didn't look up. But her rage seemed to grow. "No, there won't be any more babies because _I_ forced you to get a vasectomy. Is that what you were waiting to hear?"

"So its all your fault?"

"Yes!"

Bobby continued, "And that's why you won't make love, why you won't let me see your scars. They are proof of your guilt."

Her anger was quickly being replaced by panic. She did not want to talk about this. She tried again to slide off the counter, but Bobby wouldn't move. She lowered her head and closed her eyes. She didn't answer, so Bobby put his head close to hers, with his mouth next to her ear.

Softly he said, "C'mon Annie. You think those scars will remind me of your guilt because they remind _you_ that it's all your fault."

Crying, she pushed on his chest. "I don't want to talk about this. Let. Me. Go."

"No." It was like trying to push a wall out of the way. He never moved. He just looked at her and repeated, "It's all your fault, isn't it?"

She pushed against him again, crying so hard she could barely get the words out. "Yes! Yes, it _is_ my fault! _I _didn't want her. _I_ was angry about being pregnant. _I_ blamed you. _I_ blamed God. _I _wanted….wished….I wi…." She couldn't say the words.

Bobby finished for her. "You wished you could have an abortion."

She looked up at him, shocked. She had never said it out loud, had tried not to even think it. How did he know? She lowered her head and covered her face with her hands, sobbing.

"Yes, God knew I didn't want her and now she's gone."

Bobby didn't answer. He wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest. He just held her while she was wracked with great heaving sobs. All the pain and sorrow and guilt of the last weeks seemed to fill and overflow her heart, her entire being. She knew it was only minutes, but it seemed like hours before the sobbing turned to quiet crying. Bobby continued to hold her tightly

With his mouth close to her ear, he asked softly, "So, because you wished you could have an abortion, God took our baby? That sounds pretty vindictive and mean-spirited, doesn't it? It doesn't sound much like the God you've been talking about for years."

She kept her face buried in his chest and took a deep breath. "No, I guess it doesn't."

"So who _is_ God, Annie? This vindictive angry guy who sends a crazy man with a knife to punish a woman because she had a hard time adjusting to being pregnant? Or the God you told me about who grieves over the evil men commit against each other and who wants to comfort the victims?"

Was that really what she had believed these last weeks? Was it possible that, without even admitting it to herself, she thought God had punished her for not wanting to be pregnant? That He had waited until she actually began to want this baby very much and then took her away? She put her arms around Bobby's back and cried softly.

He waited in silence for her to answer and finally she said, "He's a God of love, Bobby. He always has been and He always will be."

Bobby cupped her face in his hands and tilted her head back so that she was looking up at him. He rested his forehead against hers, closed his eyes, and whispered, "You didn't force me to do anything, Baby. It was the right thing to do for our family and I don't have any regrets. Not even now. And I don't blame you for anything that happened. You are a great mom to our kids and I never doubted that you loved this baby just as much as you love our other three. It was a terrible thing that happened to all of us. But we are going to be OK."

He kissed her face, then; her eyes, her tear-stained cheeks. She whispered, "Bobby, I'm sor….." But his mouth covered hers and stopped her apology. His mouth moved lower and he kissed her throat and the hollow formed by her collarbone. As his tongue lightly touched the sensitive skin there, she shivered.

She whispered, "I love you, Bobby."

"I love you, Annie."

Bobby finally stopped kissing her and looked at her expectantly. When she could breathe again, she asked, "So can I get off this counter now?"

He smiled and said, "Yes you can. But I'm still worried about glass on the floor, so I think I should carry you out of the kitchen."

He leaned over, grasped her around the waist, and pulled her over his shoulder, causing a squeal of laughter. He carried her over his shoulder, out of the kitchen, and up the stairs to their bedroom, closing the door firmly behind them. By the time he set her on her feet, she was laughing so hard she had to hold onto him to keep from falling. Annie was surprised none of the kids had woken up from all the commotion.

Bobby cupped her face in his hands again and stopped her laughter with his mouth. Annie felt a familiar heat spread through her body and she leaned against him. He reached down and grasped the hem of her nightshirt with both hands and gently pulled it up and over her head. He watched her intently for any signs of resistance, but this time there was none. He pulled her against him, with his hand behind her head, and kissed her again as he slowly backed her to the bed.

It was still dark out when Annie awoke, and Bobby was sleeping. It was such an unusual phenomenon for Bobby to be sleeping while she was awake, that she propped herself up on her elbow and watched him sleep for a few minutes. She was tempted to reach over and kiss him awake. But she resisted and instead climbed out of bed. She found her pajamas where they had been discarded on the floor, pulled them on, and went downstairs to her "prayer room".

For the first time since the attack she felt peaceful. She found her Bible and her prayer journal and settled herself on the window seat. She flipped lovingly through her worn Bible, settling finally on the last chapter of Genesis. She read the familiar words of Joseph to his brothers. The same ten brothers who had sold him into slavery many years earlier, after deciding it would be kinder than killing him. Now Joseph was the second most powerful man in Egypt and his brothers were at his mercy and afraid he would seek revenge.

_But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ______You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ____So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them._

Annie thought about Martin Ramsay. Had she forgiven him? She couldn't honestly say yes, but now she knew that she would forgive him someday. Maybe after she had forgiven herself. Her heart wasn't encased in ice anymore. She was able to feel again; pain, joy, and yes, forgiveness. Bobby had done that, and she smiled at the thought of her "knight in shining armor." Bobby said they were going to be OK, and finally she believed him. Maybe now she was ready to face going back to the church kitchen, if Bobby would go with her for support.

Annie thought about the day ahead. She should call Jack McCoy and apologize for the things she said to him yesterday. She didn't have to work, so maybe she could meet Bobby and Alex for lunch if they weren't too busy. After school she would take the kids to the park. And tonight she would make Veal Parmesan for Bobby. It was going to be a good day, she could feel it.

She opened her prayer journal to a fresh new page and wrote the date across the top.

_September 11, 2001_

**End Episode 1**

Credit goes to my sister, the retired Sheriff's Sargent, for information about how a "perp" like Martin Ramsay might be treated in the legal system


End file.
